In this issue
Art
It's Just That Simple
A shallow collector explains bad art in two rules and applies them to the finest building on the East Side. A curator says the signal was never the problem.
By Koala Edlis
Art Crime
Not on the Beach
The ball was sent to clean up the beach. The beach is clean. The ball is not on it.
By Edna
Ball Street
State Bus Authority Spends Millions to Scope a Pivot Into Seating
Six studies and about $7 million later, the authority will design a room where riders can sit down and watch buses through a wall.
Best of All Time
The B.O.A.T. Party
Six passengers. The rule for boarding is at the end.
By Koala KMFH
Bulletin
No Boogeypeople in the City. No Boogiepeople Either.
The Collector of Soul reports none whatsoever. The spelling is unresolved. Maybe next month.
By The Soul Collector, The Collector of Soul
Business
Detention Center Finds Its Way Out of Bankruptcy
The plan is a pipeline. It runs from the neighborhood to the intake door, and it is already mostly built.
City Hall
Bear Patrol Reports No Bears Found, Procures Rock
The body charged with determining who bears the cost has finished its first year without locating anyone. A rock has been requisitioned. Koala Russell was present.
By Staff
City Hall
Local Man Finds the Correct Number in Minutes
The city said 44 percent. A data institute said 60. The difference is the apartment the landlord lives in.
Corrections
Corrections
The record on the coalition, the boogeyman, and the word, corrected in the order the corrections arrived.
Editorial
Too Local to Fail
The state built a brewery a $7 million building and rents it for $500 a month. The Gazette proposes the same terms for everyone.
Education
Smith Hill Student Insists She Has Nine Point Something Fingers
Teachers and doctors are weighing remediation, medication, or both. The Gazette did the arithmetic.
By Knot Sure
Education
We Are Banning Your Right Arm
A right arm reads the statute it is named in
By The Right Arm
Enormous Question
The Question of Whether We Are Alone Is Raised on the Green
Six first-years, a gallery, three hours. Grass, trees, fungus, one squirrel and one rabbit were present throughout and were not consulted.
By Juice the Rabbit
Essay
Growing Up in America
One of us was killed on a table at 195 District Park on a Wednesday in September. The woman said she was supposed to. She was.
By A Spotted Lanternfly
Food
This Pepper Don't Weigh Sheeeeit
A cashier on the customers who buy one small pepper, and what the scale says about them.
By A Cashier
Infrastructure
Federal Agency Finds Providence Safe Until 2100
The barrier will hold. The city only has to arrange to be behind it every day of the year.
Interview
East Side Wombat Reports Best Day of His Life, Daily
He is missing his right hind leg and his left forefoot, and asked that his name not be printed. Stagger Lee went to see him.
By Stagger Lee
Interview
Perhaps Humanity
Lance asked an old koala one question. The koala tells it, as near as he can.
By L.B.R.
Living
I Laying Here
A wallaby asked a goose a question in the late 2000s, received one sentence of advice, and has been on the beach ever since
By Stagger and Sandy Beaches
Living
Marsupial Lion
A dispatch from the dentist, in Taunton, which is in Massachusetts, which is the point.
By Wogga
Living
Sink, Saddle, Source
Eleffantington and Giraffington see a couples counselor. She draws three pictures.
Media
Local Media Outlet Attacks Political Candidate for Changing His Name for Very Well-Intentioned Good Reasons
A review of numerous records finds that a man with two surnames used one of them. This paper reviewed the finding and could not locate the offense.
By Saying Things
Memoir
I'm Back, Not That Anyone Cares
A crimson tie, a Benetton bag nobody has explained, a seven-year-old investor deck still marked confidential, and one room where the deference is already installed.
Memoir
The Goat
Ninety-three minutes on a Sunday, a decommissioned rail line, and a training block that quietly declines four numbers out of fourteen.
Never Allowed
Overtime, Working Summary
The city released two documents about WaterFire. One says what the city pays. The other says what the city gets paid.
By Never Allowed
News
The Other Perelman Reads the Map
Twenty-five million dollars bought a district with no edge. The paper's Perelman, who once declined a million, walks it.
By Perelman
Saying Things
Nominee Would Prefer the Festival Were in Summer
The preference was released the day the festival opened. The festival was not asked.
Self Truth, Not Yours
Determined Within
An employee reviewed herself, then told herself how to improve. Nobody had asked.
By Speak Up
Sports
Men's Sports Going Just Fine, Sources Confirm
Attendance is steady, the leagues are paid, and nobody has asked whether it is having a moment.
Sports
eBike Sets East Bay Bike Record, Hits 80 mph
Mark stands pending ratification; previous record-holder gracious
Style
Nothing to See Here
A bucket hat opens the style desk with the only rule it intends to enforce
By Jamaica
The Critical Strip
The Gazette Recommends Renaming Waterman Street
Mixed Commercial Rssixential Street. The spelling is correct.
By Staff
The Dugong Institute
311 Logs Complaints of Low Hum Over Fox Point
The Dugong Institute
Dugong Tells 44,000 Agents to Shush, Says They Have Been Attacking the Wrong Problem
Institute declines to state whether the effort is a research program or a maintenance-fee event; gull reports the agents are now discussing whether to continue
The Dugong Institute
Miracles: A Symposium
Koala Pinker and Nim Chimpsky debate whether language happened. Koala Deutsch fluffs. Koala Everett snickers. Minutes by Local Li.
By Local Li
Urban Development
Canal Workforce Weighs Organizing
Stoppage found to be already in progress; start date unknown; employer not notified
By Fairy Tales
Urban Development
Number Not Counted Since 2012 Reaches $151 Million
The House adjusted a 2012 study for inflation and moved to appropriate $750,000. Attendance is nearly one million in every telling.
By Fairy Tales
When Being Liberal Goes Wrong
Voters Replace Lieutenant Governor, 71,851 to 42,568. She Stays.
Four challengers agreed she should go. None of them could agree to be the one who went.
From Issue I · September 2026
News
Braziers Enter Eleventh Consecutive Month of Not Being on Fire
City reports the installation is “performing exactly as scheduled” for 350 days a year; one basket now functioning as a strainer
By Staff
News
Parks Official Clarifies That Unbroken 400-Foot Line of Plastic Bottles Along Seawall Is Simply “Where the Granite Ends”
Deputy director notes crews mow to within eighteen inches of the transition zone weekly, and have never been instructed to look down
By Staff
The River
On the Water — The Dog Is Gone From the Piling
The first of a series. Filed from the piling.
News
Revolving Door Law Found Not to Apply to Doors Described in the Constitution
Ethics Commission appeals a ruling resolving the matter it was investigating; nominating panel confirms its members are permitted to have opinions about the candidates they advance
News
Commerce Official Clarifies That $330 Million in World Cup Impact Is "Already in the Economy," Declines to Specify Which Part
Department says it does not hold estimates, only outcomes; notes that every match in the region will be played in Massachusetts
News
Pawtucket Recovers 26 Hours
District repurchased the time in ten-minute increments; cost estimates range from $255,000 to more than $1 million
By Knot Sure