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Quackery Gazette

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Page One News Issue I

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STAFF

Braziers Enter Eleventh Consecutive Month of Not Being on Fire

City reports the installation is “performing exactly as scheduled” for 350 days a year; one basket now functioning as a strainer

The forty-odd steel cressets moored along the river have now gone eleven months without being lit, a figure the city characterized Tuesday as “on plan.”

“They’re not broken,” a spokesman said. “They’re between lightings.”

Officials confirmed that one basket near the Steeple Street span has accumulated a raft of sticks, a plastic bottle and an unidentified sheet of gold-colored material, and is currently the most productive piece of equipment in the fleet.

Asked what it was producing, the spokesman said the department did not track that.